Thursday, May 31, 2012

DIY and my self esteem

My wedding is in one week. Next Friday, my lovely other and I finally get to see everything we've worked so hard for come together! Two years in the making, it's about time!!

When we first started planning, I figured we would incorporate a lot of US into it because well, duh! Right? We're crafty people! We're creative! And although we soon realized that DIY does not always mean cheaper, it did help our budget somewhat. It allowed us to move monies around, so to speak. I've gone back through the things we've DIY'd and there's quite a bit!

We put together our cake topper, we created and put together the five boutonnieres for the honor party, we designed, printed, cut and put together the programs, we did everything for our invitations, L made the gifts we'll give to my mom and her cousin. I also made the gifts we gave our honor party. I crocheted our 'oh shit' bag. I made our ring book. I sewed our handfasting cords. We created our activity books for our game table. I made the wishing wands for the guests to wish us off with. I made our card box and L painted the signs for them and our wish card jar (that holds our wish cards that equates to our guest book). We also designed, painted, and put together our own Ketubah.

Holy shit! That's a lot.

Here's the thing. You'd think I'd be like hell yeah! We made all of that! That's right! Yay us! Nope.

Thankfully, my lovely other is not phased by this at all. This seems to be a 'me' thing and I'm glad for it. I try not to compare our work because we are really very different when it comes to our talents. However, I am compelled to point out that her work is like effortless wow. My work is... not.

I can't wait until this wedding is over. The pressure, the stress, the 'oh my god, I don't feel good enough' feeling is just too much. I'm feeling it all over but mostly in our my DIY work. My ideas are great! But getting my hands to do what my brain says or wants is totally different. And with the added importance of saving money, there is not room for error, you know? If I mess this project up, I'm screwed! I can't start over. I can't go buy more supplies.

So why even do it? Well, because I didn't want to regret not even trying. I wish that were enough to help the feeling of yuck fade but as of a minute ago, it hasn't.

Well, who cares? WE made it! It has US all over it, right?! I mean, right?? Yeah, sure it does. But that doesn't mean I feel good about it. And I will notice. It's that internal struggle! How do I get that to go away?

And NO ONE will KNOW! They won't even NOTICE! Um, I WILL.

I wish I could explain this better than it sounding like I'm just throwing a fit. What it comes down to is this: I tried really hard and it didn't always work. It may not work out when we are there on THE day. That. Doesn't. Feel. Good. That feeling leads me to think, maybe I'm not so crafty after all. Maybe I just really want to be. I suppose I need to be okay with that and maybe someday I will be.

I just wish my wedding had not been the catalyst to bring that into reality.