Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Full Overhaul.

Our oldest chicken is turning 18 in less than a week. I'll have more on that later. One of her gifts is a tattoo, from us. She's getting it done by the artist we trust, she's done all of L's work and 90% of my work.

The other night, we set up a meeting. It was great to catch up with her, she just had a birthday, and we hadn't seen her in almost a year. You know, wedding, moving, all that.

I cannot wait to start my projects again. Le sigh.... soon, I hope.

I get about 15 minutes of just us time (my artist and I have a great friendship) and we're chatting, enjoying ourselves. Then, it comes out for the first time, I realize, that I am in a place that is not so good. I'm stuck in this gaping hole of shit. That's what it feels like at least. I had been thinking on this for quite some time but hadn't yet come to a conclusion. It sort of hit me in the face that evening.

She talked about how she's in the center of this circle and if she moves any way in any direction, it will mess things up. So through meditation, contemplation, etc, she's discovered that she just needs to stay put. In doing so, she's able to rid her life, heart, mind, and soul of all the crap that's been causing her to spin out of control.

Since our meeting, I haven't been able to stop thinking about why I'm in the place I'm in. All these questions, over and over in my head. To begin to try to answer them, I'm going to go through a complete overhaul. Who is in my life that needs not to be? Or at the very least needs to be put at the end of my 10 foot pole. What is in my life that I can be without or that I need to be without? I want to work on changing my perspective. Because when I say things out loud, it may not seem so bad. And I DO feel that. My life is not bad. It's me, not you.

In all seriousness, it is me. I can't recall a day that I didn't have to fight the licks of depression or the feel the heaviness of my anxiety. That means, it's been too long. 

It's time for change. I realize that it's not x-y-z I need to change, it's me. Now, I just have to figure out how to do that. That may be the hardest part.

Until next time... ~L